That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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