but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
