Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
