The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
