then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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