You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
