I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
