His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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