mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
