How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
