i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
