seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
