im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
