She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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