I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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