so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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