I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
