I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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