I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
