I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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