I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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