This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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