I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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