Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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