she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
