Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
