Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
