im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
