I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
