paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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