is your mom at the bar?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
