its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
