Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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