Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
