gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
