Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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