so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
