I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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