one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Randomize
