Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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