My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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