I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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