Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
