I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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