Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
