I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Watching her eat just hurts me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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