the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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