Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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