My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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