"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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