i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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