I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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