I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
