I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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