mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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